Children and The Animal Kingdom

Written By: Amy

The Animal Kingdom is full of creatures using their acute senses to destroy and dominate. Young humans exhibit similar behaviors in their environment. Like a pack of wild dogs children can detect the scent of parental weakness. Our young roam freely within their habitat, waiting for just the right moment to take us down. When that moment arrives children capitalize on their abilities to identify where sabotage is needed. Let us further examine how children use their astounding sense of smell, sight, taste, touch and hearing to survive and dominate.

Smell:

bloodhound

 

The Bloodhound’s sense of smell is at least 1000 times stronger than ours. While this fact is impressive, Bloodhounds have nothing on our offspring.

It is universally recognized that children can smell exhaustion. In fact, researchers recently discovered that children can pick up and track the scent of exhaustion for up to 18 years. A study from the Washington Tiredness Foundation (WTF) found that young people have an emotional and physical response to parental fatigue. This response is often demonstrated through loud sound effects and epic ninja moves resulting in trips to the ER. This sharp sense of smell also comes into play after a night when parents believed they were in their twenties again. The children detect this and proceed to wake up two hours earlier than normal.

Hearing:

arcticfox

Out on the frozen tundra it is said that the Arctic Fox can hear the movement of tiny animals, such as lemmings, under the icy surface. Remarkably, this phenomenon also occurs when I turn on the Xbox. Friends in far away lands can hear the Power Button and are knocking on the door faster than you can say “Minecraft”.

It has also been reported that the tiniest whisper of the word “popsicle” will draw a salivating pack of animals to your house. I personally witnessed my neighbor pop open a MUG Root Beer, and within 2 minutes every child within a 5-mile radius was lurking in her front yard. Moth to the flame guys, moth to the FLAME.

Taste:

Catfish can’t see a damn thing where they live. These bottom-dwellers hang out in dark murky waters, so they must rely on their 100,000 taste buds to track down food. Amazing! It can be argued, however, that children have a more highly developed palate than catfish.

Miraculously, kids know they hate something BEFORE THEY EVEN TASTE IT. This extraordinary sense of taste has baffled parents across the globe for centuries. In an effort to better understand this phenomenon I spoke with Cynthia Jones, a Harvard graduate with a Master’s Degree in Children Who Won’t Eat. According to Ms. Jones,

“Many children refuse to eat anything except Goldfish, chicken nuggets and Pirate Booty. This is due to the fact that they are children.”

Thanks for clearing that up Little Miss Smarty Pants! To further illustrate her findings Ms. Jones provided the following chart:

foodstudy
Clearly our children’s super-palates will require further analysis, but this does explain the high demand/low supply of Pirate Booty in homes across America.

Sight:

In a report that scared the shit out of arachnophobes everywhere, it was announced that Jumping Spiders have eyes placed all around their heads. These spiders can actually see 360 degrees. As if that wasn’t horrifying enough, they can also see FOUR primary colors. This remarkable sense of sight means these guys can see all sorts of crazy things. If this sounds hauntingly familiar there is a reason. You know that imaginary friend your child plays with? Real. That monster in the closet? Real. That one time your child insisted he saw you drink vodka at 11:00am? Okay, that might have been real.

Brothers and sisters have also been observed fighting over invisible things. Take for instance, the Cookie Challenge:

cookiechallenge
Challenge: Which one of these plates has 3 cookies instead of 2?

Answer: The plate your sibling has.
This prodigious sense of sight allows our children to see things that are otherwise invisible to the world. This makes our kids just as scary as Jumping Spiders.

Touch:

manatee
Marine biologists believe that manatees are the most touch-sensitive mammals on the planet. Apparently their entire bodies are covered with whisker-like hairs that act as sensors. These sensors allow manatees to “feel” objects and changes in the water from far away.

Surprisingly, this discovery has led to a deeper understanding of the common preschooler. These little people are often annoyed because their friends, who are playing on the other side of the room, won’t stop touching them. This fine-tuned sense of touch is consistently observed during the nightmare known as Circle Time. The sweet sounds of children singing Old MacDonald are quickly replaced by accusations of poking, pinching and flicking from the opposite side of the circle.

This also explains why boys have a staggering need for at least one hand to be on their penises at all times. Tons of sensors down there.

Knowing how our young use their super-senses against us is crucial to parenting success. The children are organized, and understanding what we’re up against is half the battle.

Knowledge is power. Good luck out there in the wild my friends.

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