The Sausage Festival

Written by: Amy

sausage

I lovingly refer to my home as the Sausage Festival. I am surrounded and outnumbered by boys here. I cannot tell you the names of the Disney Princesses, but can explain the difference between a Feller Buncher and a Delimber. Need to know which dinosaur had the longest tail? Easy, Diplodocus. Curious about which dino was known for killing prey much larger than itself? Yangchuanosaurus, BOOM!

Raising little men is not for the faint of heart and requires the physical strength of an ox. If you encounter a Boy Mom please just get out of the way because she is either chasing down a little dude, throwing out mysterious substances or is currently involved in a ninja-roll contest. Since the dawn of time Boy Moms across the globe have learned to embrace the following five truths:

  1. The Eating

Do you remember the competitive eater from Japan who ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes? While the rest of the world marveled at this incredible feat, Boy Moms simply nodded their heads and proceeded to spend thousands of dollars at Costco. It’s easy to identify Boy Moms at Costco. We are the super humans pushing carts loaded to the ceiling with Capri Suns, pizza and bacon. During the check-out process we are asked about the huge party we’re planning to host. Nope, all of this shit is for two little dudes, and will hopefully get them through the next 48 hours.

  1. General Nakedness

donald

For many years we struggled with pants. And by “struggle” I mean pants just didn’t happen. Instead of two children I had two Donald Ducks running around. The term “Donald Ducking It” was invented by Boy Moms. It’s like a secret code we use to explain why we have to leave public places. Example:

Me: “How was Target today?”

Friend: “We were asked to leave because little dude was Donald Ducking It.”

Me: “Got it, can I bring you some bourbon?”

 

  1. Potty Talk

This is an actual quote from my 6 year old:

“Poop-poopy-poo-pee-bottom-butt-fart-hole-penis-stink-stank-STUNK!”

My 8 year old responded with a standing ovation, praising his brother for his creativity and awesomeness. The thing about potty talk is that it’s inevitable. Don’t even bother choosing this battle because you will lose every. single. time. There is absolutely nothing more fascinating than farts.

  1. The Ninja Rolls

Researchers have proven that all boys are born with what is referred to as The Ninja Gene. Typically, around the age of three, parents may notice a blur of something roll across the lawn, down the hallway or into the clothes rack at Nordstrom. These stealth moves explain why we thought our child was standing right next to us, but is in fact high up in a tree one block away. Which brings us to the more advanced leaping-out-of-a tree-and-directly-into-a-ninja-roll maneuver. Watch out for that shit when you’re walking down the street.

  1. The Nature Pee

As a rookie Boy Mom I had no idea about the phenomenon known as The Nature Pee. My four year old decided I needed an education on the subject when he dropped his pants and started peeing on the neighbor’s rhododendron bush during their Open House. Yes, the peeing four year old comes with the property y’all! Why come inside to use the bathroom when one can simply find a nice tree or shrub to aim for? It just makes more sense.

Sausage Fest 2016 continues to shock the hell out of me. On the bright side, my competitive eating ninjas continue to evade arrest for public urination, so that’s a win. If your boys have pants on today please raise a glass and toast yourself, because you are amazing!

Amy Logo with blue text

Amy is a writer, mother and whiskey enthusiast. You can find more of her snarkiness and parenting fails at http://www.parenting-on-the-rocks.com/