Friends, I have decided that 2017 is THE YEAR to start working on my Best Self! I am so motivated and have all the time and energy required to make it happen.
As a Leading Expert on Health and Wellness I have designed a five-step plan to help us all achieve Best Self status (or BS, as we shall now call it). As usual, I have thoroughly researched this and consulted with other professionals such as Gwyneth Paltrow. For those of you who remain skeptical, this plan is totally backed-up by science.
STEP 1: Create Your BS Pinterest Board
If you need inspiration, I would encourage you to check out my Pinterest Board titled “Best Fucking Self”. Please feel free to follow and pin anything that inspires you. If for any reason you are not on Pinterest then shame on you. Becoming one’s Best Self cannot be achieved without a Pinterest account. Get on it.
STEP 2: Smoothies
According to the Internet we must begin our process on the INSIDE. One way to do this is through nutrition. Solid foods are OUT so the current recommendation is to prepare your own smoothies. The only acceptable smoothie color is green. Pink, orange and purple smoothies will only get you to your Half-Ass Self. Green is the only color proven to create glowing skin and a perfectly toned ass. Make sure to take a selfie with your smoothie and post it to all social media accounts immediately!
Pro Tip: You will get more “likes” if you do a duck face with your smoothie. So much sexier.
STEP 3: Yoga on the Beach
If you are not practicing yoga on the beach then you will never be your Best Self. Yoga in any other location is just downright offensive. Please pay close attention to the following guidelines:
- The beach you choose must be completely private, no distractions.
- Yoga must be practiced during sunrise or sunset for maximum BS levels.
- The beach must also come with its own professional photographer and Wi-Fi, because you need to Tweet that shit out to the world.
- Pin your images to the “Best Fucking Self” Pinterest board.
STEP 4: Unrealistic Smiling and Joy
This step takes serious commitment. No matter how pissed off you are, you MUST dig deep and find your joy in every situation. People who have achieved true BS status show no traces of anger, sadness, frustration or annoyance. I have included some inspirational images below so we all have something to aim for:
What the actual fuck.
Chopping veggies with your children is such a joy, no? And who wouldn’t want to take their baby to the spa and enjoy a relaxing massage together? Sounds like heaven.
STEP 5: Do Whatever Gwyneth Says……
Naturally I had to consult Gwyneth Paltrow in the development of the Best Self Plan. As you all know, I am blessed to have a close working relationship with her, as evidenced by our WWGD: What Would Gwyneth Do? collaboration. I am impressed by her willingness to share her expertise with us, the Commoners. Thankfully, Gwyneth agreed to recommend specific upgrades for the BS Plan. Of course these upgrades are optional, but not really.
- Smoothie Upgrade: Gwyneth suggests adding 1 teaspoon of Moon Dust to your daily smoothie. You can purchase Moon Dust on her website for $55-$65, depending on the type of Moon Dust you need.
- Yoga Upgrade: While Gwyneth enjoys yoga on the beach, she also recommends an alternate location – Red Rocks in Sedona. Apparently the rocks are on the BS team because they will literally speak to you. Gwyneth experienced this first-hand when the rocks told her, “You have the answers. You are your teacher.” That is some deep shit right there.
2017 is going to be our year people! The world desperately needs our BS. Lets hold each other accountable on our journey to health and wellness. I’m counting on you to constantly post photos of your Warrior Pose with duck face and green smoothie in hand.
Cocktail Pairing: Amy’s Best Self Smoothie